Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The Presidential Campaign Is Just a Game of F*ck, Marry, Kill

Any fellow slacker who visits Buzzfeed and other cyberloafing websites (usually when we should be working) knows the game of F*ck (Yeah, I'm G-rated), Marry, Kill.  Given a list of three people (men or women, whatever your preference), you decide who would you f*ck, who would you marry, and who would you kill.  With "Kill" being loosely defined as "Person You Are Least Likely to Marry or F*ck".  This is exactly what the 2016 presidential campaign is like in these early stages.

Since Donald Trump, who is seriously loony, entered the race, he's become the second most popular candidate.  Bernie Sanders, who should be the fringiest of fringe candidates, has double digit numbers.  How is it that these political whack-jobs could be polling so well? The answer is that Republicans and Democrats want to have crazy animal sex with them.

The Donald is pounding the drums on illegal immigration and better border security, and Bernie is spewing the "social justice" (read: class warfare) talking points.  Both are easy applause lines for their respective bases.  Eventually, we'll realize that immigration is a bit too complicated and nuanced for someone like the Donald and we'll remember that policies like Bernie's have led places like Venezuela, Greece, and the USSR to economic ruin.  But for now, the emotional response that fiery rhetoric on immigration and class warfare produces in the party bases is going to make us all horny as hell.

Granted, it seems strange to say that someone wants to f*ck the Donald.  Normal people, like his ex-wives, just want to f*ck his money.  And the thought of banging Bernie Sanders is a little creepy after reading his bizarro sex column from the seventies.  But the more sensible candidates just aren't as exciting.

This won't last, though.  In 2012, almost every Republican candidate briefly jumped into the top tier.  But this meant the candidate was in "F*ck" status, not "Marry" status.  Republicans had a one night stand with Ron Paul and felt so guilty the morning after they wouldn't let him into the convention.  They screwed Rick Perry so hard he had memory lapses.  Things got so nasty with Rick Santorum that "Santorum" is now a sex term.

Republicans wanted to f*ck all of them at one point or another.  Except I think they killed Jon Huntsman.  I haven't heard from him in ages.  Maybe he was executed for that horrible, painful to watch Nirvana joke during the debates.  But once they were done sleeping around, Republicans settled on Mitt Romney, because he was easily the most marriageable of the candidates.

I expect a similar whirlwind romance with the candidates this time around, starting with Bernie and the Donald.  But like your typical fling, it won't last.  For a few weeks, months, or maybe even a year or so, we'll be tagging Bernie and the Donald until our legs don't work.  But the Democrats will marry Hillary and Republicans will marry one of the more sensible Republican candidates.

I expect Bernie and the Donald will both eventually go from "F*ck" status to "Kill" status.  Maybe not literally kill, but once they're out of our system, we'll wish they were dead.  Once their time is over, Bernie and the Donald will be the sex partners we regret and wish never happened.  We'll settle for someone more sensible and try not to feel too guilty for straying with some wild and crazy person who blew through town one weekend.

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