Monday, October 15, 2012

Infidelity - the Secret to Punditry

The other day, I was reading a little piece on about how Mark Sanford, former South Carolina, was apparently being a racist. He said that President Obama would be "throwing spears" at the debate, presumably to make up for his poor performance in the first debate. Normally, I'm a bit suspicious of accusations of racism based on code words, but I know that "spear thrower" is a somewhat denigrating phrase used to describe black people.  On the other hand, Mark Sanford's mistress was Argentinian, so he can't be that racist.

Then it hit me.  What the hell is a man who fooled around on his wife doing as a pundit?  Presumably, pundits are people who's word means something.  The're not just experts, people have to have reason to believe them, to take their word for things.  How is it that people think I'll take the word of a man who can't be trusted by his wife?

But then I remembered that there's nothing new about this.  Newt Gingrich works as a pundit for Fox News, and he's renowned for marital excess, even while impeaching other guys for marital excess.  Elliot Spitzer was a high-class John for high-class hookers.  He still managed to secure a show on CNN, which is now cancelled, and a show on Current TV, which is not cancelled, but nobody watches it because it's on Current TV.

This is a terrible injustice.  We are a) trusting the political word of untrustworthy men and b) treating women unfairly.  Woman politicians can't get away with this.  First of all, I went looking.  Woman politicians don't cheat that often.  What's more, they can get into huge trouble just for being accused of cheating.  Both Sarah Palin (ok, not exactly a politician) and Governor Nikki Haley were accused of infidelity.  The accusations were just that, accusations.  No proof was ever presented.  But they had to do all sorts of damage control.  Cheating isn't a resume builder for woman politicians, only men.

Why is this?  Well, the demographic that drives advertising dollars (and therefore news media) is men between 25 to 54.  And no matter how modernized we men are, we still have a little residual oinkity-oinkishness.  I'm one of those medern guys, I know what I'm talking about.  We can forgive men who cheat.  Apparently, powerful men fooling around enhances their power.  Thank you, Kennedy brothers.  This apparently makes them strong alpha male types, not man-sluts as they should be.  Certain exceptions apply.  Oinkiness only allows for heterosexual affairs.  Also, the affairs must be sexual, not cybersexual.  Gay infidelity (Larry Craig, Jim McGreevey) or bizarro Twitter affairs (Anthony Weiner), don't affirm alpha male status, so no jobs for those guys.

But there's a way to reconcile oinkishness with opportunities for female philandering.  All a woman politician needs to do is have a lesbian affair.  As long as they're both hot.  Like I said, oink.  Our oinkiness won't allow for non-hot women pundits anyway.  Lesbian philandering will give female politicans increased opportunities in female punditry.  Well, right after they retire in disgrace.

Lesbians can break down the barriers for other women.  And nothing would produce better ratings than a Republican lesbian arguing with Elliot Spitzer or a Democratic lesbian arguing with Mark Sanford.  Or perhaps a Republican lesbian debating a Democratic lesbian.  I'm sure that scene has been seen before on TV, but it was probably in a porn movie.  If it was on Fox or MSNBC, advertising dollars would go through the roof.  The economy would rebound overnight.

I realize, it might be simpler to demand that cheating politicians stay out of the public eye.  But then we would miss out on the economic benefits of seeing hot, arguing lesbians on basic cable.  So instead, lesbians must break ground for other women.  Only girl-girl love can close the infidelity gap.  Several female politicians must come out as lesbians, cheat on their husbands, then enter into a illustrious punditry career.  Once a few hot lesbian chicks do it, the oinking crowd will get used to the idea.  At that point, anyone will be able to fool around and still get a pundit job.  Then we will finally have infidelity justice for all. 

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