Thursday, October 25, 2012

Clorox - a Uniter, Not a Divider recently released a story on the brands preferred by Republicans, Democrats, and Independents. You can read it here. But if you're too lazy for that, just look at this chart.  If you're too blind to read the chart, follow the damn link.
First I was struck by the utterly unsurprising stuff.  For example, Republicans like Fox News.  In a related story, the sky is blue and the sun rises in the east.  Republicans like the History channel too. The party that's considered more traditional would naturally be more inclined to pay attention to history. Also, the History Channel consists primarily of footage of American soldiers shooting Nazis and Commies and Terrorists and Talibans. Which is something Republicans are naturally inclined to enjoy.

In other non-surprising developments, Republicans like Chick-Fil-a.  They rallied around it during the protests a while back when the Chick-Fil-A boss voiced an opinion opposed to gay marriage.  Republicans claim it's to support the first amendment.  Democrats say it's homophobia.  I'm not getting into that, because I already blogged about that on July 26th and I don't like repeating myself. 

Democrats like Google.  Not surprising.  Google has some left-wing cred, primarily because many of it's management types contributed to Obama's reelection campaign.  Democrats also like PBS.  They claim it's because they like Big Bird and Kermit the Frog and offering educational tools that are available to all, including low income kids.  Republicans will say it's government quasi-communism and public broadcasting should go away.  I say do what you will with Big Bird and Kermit, but don't touch Oscar the Grouch because he's awesome.

Then I noticed a few things that surprised me.  The Democrats like Levi's, but not so much with the Republicans.  I thought the Republicans owned the rough and tumble cowboy image.  Apparently, they like cowboys, but refuse to dress like them.  Republicans also appear to like the Discovery Channel more than Democrats.  It's a little confusing, since Democrats have frequently made attempts to paint Republicans as anti-science.  Having said that, I know that the best show on the Discovery Channel is Mythbusters, which consists primarily of two guys blowing stuff up.  So maybe Republicans are just tuning in for the explosions.  I know I do.

Republicans don't appear to like Amazon the way Democrats and Independents do.  They liked Amazon's former CEO (not that it was enough to get her elected), but apparently not Amazon.  I don't get it.  I use Amazon for one reason.  I don't like to DRIVE THROUGH TONS OF TRAFFIC AND DODGE NINE MILLION STUPID, DUMBASS KIDS IN THE MALL WHEN I GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!  Given that Republicans have a reputation (deserved or otherwise) of being older and crankier than Democrats, I would think they'd be with me on this.

But then I noticed the unifying brands.  Craftsman and Cheerios are pretty classic American brands, so it's not a surprise that all three groups would rate them highly.  But all three groups also rated Clorox highly.  Clorox?  Sure it's useful and it's been around forever, but it's not something we'd consider exciting.  It's a fairly simple chemical we use to perform relatively mundane tasks.  How does this rate so highly?  It took me awhile, but I finally figured it out.  Clorox, in all it's simplicity, helps us perform one of the most valuable tasks there is.  And that is...removing fecal matter from men's underwear.

These offensive little stains, commonly known as skidmarks, are recognized as the primary drawback of men wearing tightey-whiteys.  Granted, women have their own form of tightey-whiteys, but they are not as well known for their tendency to collect fecal matter.  Although they have been linked to an increasing number of camel-toe incidents.  Skidmarks in men's underwear can cause all sorts of mayhem.  Most notably, their presence can be sort of a deal-breaker in the bedroom.  So, in part, we owe continued procreation, a necessary part of the survival of humanity, to Clorox. 

That's the revelation.  Clorox is one of the foundations of our society, and indeed all humanity.  We couldn't exist without it.  Two of our most necessary biological functions are procreation and defecation.  And without Clorox, the latter would prevent the former.  Unless men could find women who like shit stains.  They exist, but I think they're all German.  Sexual relations with them typically involves a safeword, so it's not for everyone.

My eyes have been opened.  Clorox is the secret to human existence, and a solution to many of our society's ills.  I think Clorox can produce a better America.  For example, members of all three parties have shown an increasing distaste for bullshit.  Just go watch a political attack ad.  Or a political convention.  Or a Justin Bieber video.  It's everywhere.  So I propose new and improved, bullshit-strength Clorox.  Old Clorox paved the way for human expansion, and a new form of Clorox can help us achieve our destiny, by making us less stupid and asinine.  Bullshit-strength Clorox.  For a better future.

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