Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Greatest Conspiracy Ever!

Given the amount of time I spend goofing around on the Internet and social media (which is what I do when I should be working), it's only a matter of time until I start bumping into the loonier side of cyberspace.  Every nutty conspiracy theory there is is out on the web.  I've been inundated with this kind of crazy for hours every day, except for the moments where my boss walks by my desk and I have to pretend I'm working.  And I finally noticed a common pattern.

All of these conspiracy theories were created by communists.  Commies.  Oh, yes.  That is the only explanation that makes sense.  All of the greatest conspiracy theories are obviously created by communists.  The faking of the moon landing, aliens at Area 51, the assassination of JFK, the various Rothschild, Illuminati, New World Order conspiracies, and the worst, 9/11 truther conspiracies, are all created by communists to advance a communist agenda.

They do this because the truth makes communists look bad.  The moon landing was an early indication that American capitalism would blow right past Soviet communism.  Communists thought they had the edge in the space race, but suddenly America was back in the game.  When America successfully completed the first moon landing, communists couldn't let people believe that capitalism was actually superior.  So they invented the myth that the moon landing was faked.  A pack of communist lies that claimed the moon landing was a pack of capitalist lies.  Irony, anyone?

The aliens at Area 51 is a similar example.  Area 51 is a real place.  It's a part of Nellis Air Force Base in Nevada.  The truth is that there was (and probably still is) Air Force research being conducted at Area 51.  Crazy, mad scientist, ARPA/DARPA stuff.  American enterprise was rapidly making Soviet communism obsolete.  The Soviets couldn't let the world believe that the innovations that we made were the product of capitalism.  So they cobbled together a half-assed theory that we were actually stealing the ideas from aliens.  Damn Commies.  Couldn't handle the fact that we were just way more innovative than them.

This isn't the only thing they thought we stole.  All of Illuminati, New World Order, Rothschild conspiracies have a similar theme.  A shadowy cabal of businessmen, bankers, and whatever controls the entire world's wealth.  America is apparently controlled by a few families, like the Rockefellers.  Uh-huh.  One look at the Forbes 400 disproves this.  70% of the 400 wealthiest Americans are self made billionaires.  Many are household names on the list, such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Charles Schwab, George Lucas, and Donald Trump just to name a few.  There is a Rockefeller on the list.  He's tied for 151.  Less than the five I just mentioned.  How can a few families control all of the wealth, when so many self made billionaires are richer than one of the supposed conspirators?  The answer is simple.  Commies.  They can't handle the fact that capitalism allows people to thrive and be successful in a single lifetime.  So they claim that some rich people must have stolen it.  The old "behind every great fortune is a great crime" canard.

The last conspiracy led to another goofball theory that was apparently manufactured by the Politburo.  When faced with happy people enjoying the fruits of capitalism, communists swung into damage control mode.  Western society is "decadent" according to the commies of the world.  This was raw denial on the part of the USSR.  The commies couldn't admit that things were just better here.  They didn't want people to look around at the bread lines and start dreaming of a life in America.  So instead, they pushed the idea that we were weakening ourselves.  Slowly poisoning ourselves with debauchery.  We stole all the money and were living frivolously.  Anything to prevent the people living under communism from seeing the obvious truth: communism was a failure waiting to happen.

The JFK assassination theories are a little different.  They're a deflection of guilt.  The guy who actually killed JFK, Lee Harvey Oswald, was a member of the communist party.  The party couldn't have people believing that a communist murdered the American president.  So the commies acted like it was a shadowy conspiracy, a convoluted, Byzantine intrigue produced by American capitalism.  Anything to avoid having people realize that the actual murderer was just another naive chump duped by communism.

The 9/11 truther conspiracies are a product of the even more naive neo-communists.  Communism rightly became extinct.  It's political Darwinism; the unfit system perished and the fittest system survived and thrived.  But a few leftover douches from the 60's occasionally con some young people into pushing the various quaint and archaic notions of communism.  We see this today with Anonymous and the Occupy movement.  And it should come as no surprise that plenty of these nuts are in love with the 9/11 Truth idea.  Youtube is full of the Truthers at Occupy rallies and Anonymopes demanding an investigation of the 9/11 "false flag" attack.

For the commies, it was absolutely critical that the United States not appear in any way sympathetic after 9/11.  The neo-commies would have us believe that 9/11 was a giant conspiracy by the corrupt shadowy cabals that rule the United States and stole the world's wealth devised it as an elaborate power grab.  Of course, they already control the world's wealth, according to various other communist theories.  So I'm not sure how much power they could grab for.  That is irrelevant, though, since logic and reason are not things Occupunks and Anonymopes concern themselves with.  America overreached when it responded to 9/11. The simple explanations are that this was political opportunism or, far more likely, a natural reaction that came from fear.  But if the world believed that, it would disrupt the commie narrative that capitalism is evil.  So they threw together a theory about planned demolitions.

There it is.  The one true conspiracy.  Communists invent all other conspiracy theories to advance their discredited ideology.  All of their conspiracy theories about capitalism and the New World Order are actually an elaborate conspiracy to install a communist New World Order.  Of course now that I think about it, does it make sense to assume there is an conspiracy every time I hear something that doesn't fit what I believe?  Could this belief that communists are behind everything be the product of paranoia; another Red Scare?  Maybe these conspiracy theories exist because there are lots of disaffected nuts in the world who jump on every screwy theory, especially the Anti-American ones, that they can find.  That's a much simpler explanation.  Nah, screw it.  Occam's Razor is for pussies.  Commies are behind everything.  Damn commies.

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